Friday, July 18, 2025

I was in my dear friend's wedding recently and I'm still not sure how to explain how important it was to me

Two weeks ago today, I stepped up to an altar in an abbey in Ireland and and presented a gold ring to a priest, who dripped holy water on it. I then turned and handed it to Molly. Her dress was a pearl ivory with a nearly imperceptible champagne tint. I remember a flash of green and white and oaky brown — she had laid her calla lilies across the railing that stood between us and the priest, and I peeked around my dear friend to watch her put the ring on Tom's finger. I remember thinking about how easy it felt to smile about this moment. Feeling joy about my joy, I smiled even bigger.

There are so many things I want to share about this wedding, but a problem I have with writing about things that matter to me is I can only write about them in the moment or many, many moons later — unless some sort of pressure is applied or I'm just texting someone. If I'm texting someone I can suddenly recall exactly what I need and I have the gift of relative (relative) brevity. 

If I were texting you, what I'd say is something like this: 

This was just an incredibly beautiful experience. I got to witness one of my best friends in the whole wide world make this stunning promise to someone wonderful. I got to sit in a salon while peat moss burned in the fireplace during an Irish trad session where Tom was playing guitar and lean my head on Molly's shoulder and be overwhelmed at the beauty of such a casually poetic culture. Never again will I travel internationally for less than a week — and this experience confirmed for me every hypothesis I had formed in recent months about what it is that I'm good at/what I'm sort of designed to do.

There's so much to say, so I'm going to break it up into pieces; there's so much I don't want to forget. It'll read like a journal entry, because that's basically what it is.

Oh, also: That is not a picture of Molly and Tom. Just so you know. 

I'm very very very excited to go away!!

I'm going away this weekend and have the first three days of next week off! I get to kick it with one of my favorite people in the world. It's going to be hot, and I have a feeling we'll discover more of the map than I've encountered on my last several visits combined. 

I'm taking the 9:05 Acela from DC, which arrives at 11:59 PM. I brought with me a 32oz container of hulled strawberries, two bananas, and a coconut water. I didn't really have time to find a way to deviate from fruit. The music of the day has been Stevie Wonder, and the songs of the train ride so far have been I Love Everything About You and Happier Than the Morning Sun.

Monday, July 14, 2025

Media from my weekend, yet again

So I was at my friends' house for dinner on Saturday night — we made pozole and cookies, and when we were mixing the dough, I asked them what they look for in a girl's media diet.

They said they've never come across girls who have media diets that are that similar to theirs, but they do seek "an appreciation for absurd humor." This was totally novel to me. They said it usually comes with a groundedness, a humility about life. I'll ask them to re-explore this soon. 

Anyway, here's what this weekend's media diet consisted of for me:

Early '60s issues/covers of Downbeat magazine

I stumbled on this magazine cover the other day, and I followed it down a rabbit hole. Not only is DownBeat jazz magazine still running, this old Blogspot blogger, Crash Boom Bam, wrote a post about the 1961 Percussion Issue I'd seen. 

While I can't find a digitized copy of that issue, I did find the August 31, 1961 issue fully digitized as a PDF in all its glory:

Read it

It's full of these gorgeous, personal ads: 

The covers are done by David Stone Martin, whose work feels like it's vibrating: 

Music roundup

The Hats album
On Friday, my manager brought me the Hats album from The Blue Nile on vinyl. The Downtown Lights is one of the best songs to come out of new wave, and it's very difficult to find this record anywhere for under $100. 


Flynn sent me a track from Happenstance (2004), an album I'd never heard by Rachael Yamagata, who I'd never listened to. It punched me in the heart. I listened to it from the top all the way through. Worn Me Down is wearing jeans like these with fuzzy socks, drinking coffee from a mug like this, and waiting for a call on a phone like this from a guy who dresses like this. This is absolutely a CD I would have owned in middle school.

Big Thief released All Night All Day as a single over the weekend — Adrianne Lenker the poet laureate strikes again. Hard to write about this stuff without it feeling icky or corny or both. It's one of those songs that makes you feel like the song is swirling around you, and I can't get enough of this kind of motion. I feel the same way about Incomprehensible and kind of hope the whole album is going to sound like this. 

Maddy texted me a link to Who Knows Where the Time Goes, which I found astonishing. A loudspeaker-surround-sound-lay-on-the-floor song.

As I mentioned in my last post, I picked up Tea for the Tillerman for $8 at Bridge Street Books, and Hard Headed Woman has quickly risen to the top of my list of songs by men describing their ideal woman. My favorite part describes a hard headed woman as a woman with a sense of conviction:
I know a lot of fancy dancers,
People who can glide you on a floor,
They move so smooth but have no answers, nooo no no
When you ask, “What d’you come here for?”
“I don’t know.”

I know many fine feathered friends
But their friendliness depends on how you do
They know many sure fired ways,
To find out the one who pays
And how you do
Lastly, here's the central question I have about SWAG: What is JB made of? My friend Edith with the genius analysis that I haven't heard anywhere else:


Animation

We watched Lilo and Stitch after dinner on Saturday. This is one of my all-time favorite films, and I think this one in particular looks better on as big a screen as you can find. It's one of those films that shows you something different on every watch; there are so many clever and subtle inclusions that it's always saying something new to me. 

"My friends need to be punished" is one of my favorite lines and delivery of all time, head tilt and dead eyes and all

Usually this movie makes me cry, but what stood out to me this time was the watercolor work and the quickness and dryness of the opening dialogue. This has to be my favorite first 10 minutes of a children's movie. 

texts with my sister from earlier this year

Friday, July 11, 2025

Tales of a night out walking

Bridge Street Books //

I came home from work today and dropped off the pastas I’d picked up at the Italian deli during lunch — fusilli col buco, stelline, and this frozen ravioli from Maryland filled with gorgonzola and pear? It sounds horrible, but I have to know what that tastes like. And I'm going to find out in a few minutes, because I forgot to put them in my freezer.

I wanted to write about my evening before I forget it all, because a lot of things happened, and I feel so touched by the places I found myself in and the people I met along the way. 

The plan had been to call Elvira, and so I did. She was with our friend Ethan, who was going through his notes on candle making. He used to sell candles, and they're hosting a candle making workshop this weekend for the education company she's starting. 

A yellow house I saw walking around in Georgetown

I crossed the bridge into Georgetown and saw the sun coming in pink behind the clouds, turned right, and headed north immediately. I've been letting myself get lost among the houses along Dumbarton and the smaller east-west streets lately. There are rose gardens and hedges and shiny black cars, men with dogs, women running, ornate brass door ornaments, real gas lamps, and outdoor spiral staircases that seem too narrow to be legal. I love the light that comes through the old trees in the evenings and stumbling upon little restaurants whose names are hard to figure out, but somehow have no room for a table for one. 

Tonight I wandered further north than I usually do — past the cemetery and almost to the park — because Elvira and I had a lot to talk about. We were going on about friendship and the age we really feel we are, the roles we play in our friend groups, about whether or not we think we're funny. We talked about how we take compliments — the answer for me is: not great, but way better than I used to. 

I like being on the phone when I'm wandering around on foot because I'll start taking new paths just to keep moving. I crossed the street to the south side of Pennsylvania Ave this time, which I normally don't do, but I had this thought that I could take a southbound route out of town to pick up milk in Foggy Bottom on the way home. I only made it a few paces before I found myself at the outdoor sale table for a bookstore I'd never noticed before. 

The shopkeeper, a guy I'd later find out is named Joe and who is turning 56 tomorrow, kept trying to usher me in out of the heat. I kept trying to tell him that I was on a phone call, but I later learned that he was hard of hearing, so he finally got it on the third try, when I used my hands to communicate. 

The bookstore was perfect. I don't know how I'd not heard of it before — it put Kramers (poppy, also a restaurant) and Second Story (used, pretentious) to shame. It was tiny, but the selection felt full. It appeared opinionated but not aloof; it seemed intentional while still being accommodating. Simple labels, clean, easy to see everything. A lot of good shopkeeping, I think, is subtle work. 

When I walked in, a kid with a stutter and skeptical sort of energy about him asked, "Can you tell me why you recommended this one?" Joe answered with warm but firm conviction. They were talking about numerology, about philosophers, about magi. Using words that I didn't recognize. It was hard to tell if they were debating or agreeing emphatically — probably some combination of the two. Joe's closing argument was the fact that the concept of zero had originated in India. The kid was sold. He left the shop and said goodbye in French, which was strange, because he wasn't French. 

The phone rang. I was looking for the music section, but I saw some things along the way, namely a collection of every daily Peanuts strip from the '90s, a book on the CIA effort to smuggle books into Eastern Europe, and a book on how manufacturing shapes our lived reality. The phone rang again. Joe answered the phone eagerly. You know how some people smile with their voice? That's how he sounded. Like it was his absolute pleasure to help you. 

Joe turned and told me and the person behind me, with grace and command, that he would be happy to answer any questions we might have. It's something that's often said, but I rarely believe it. I used to say it a lot when I worked in retail. I feel like most of the time, people don’t mean it. I appreciated hearing it said so earnestly. But I wanted to find the music section on my own.

New people came in, this time a group of girls. Joe did his thing — he gave a lay of the land, then explained that the good stuff is upstairs. "Do you have a bathroom?" One of them asked. "Even!" He said, and gave extremely clear instructions. It is always a good sign when a shopkeeper points girls warmly to the restroom, without qualification.

texts with Trent about Joe

I thumbed through the spines and found two books that I ended up taking home. I sat down cross-legged on the carpet and picked through slowly — good book shopping for me means being slow, being picky, and turning every leaf. It's a form of listening, almost. And no music playing. One was tucked between a protruding book and the wall of the shelf: Musicking: The Meanings of Performing and Listening by Christopher Small. 

Musicking by Christopher Small

I was looking for something about what music is as part of the universal language, something that would help me understand my relationship to it. The back of Musicking says this: 

Extending the inquiry of his early groundbreaking books, Christopher Small strikes at the heart of traditional studies of Western music by asserting that music is not a thing, but rather an activity. This new work outlines a theory of what Small terms "musicking," a verb that encompasses all musical activity from composing to performing to listening to a Walkman to singing in the shower. Using Gregory Bateson's philosophy of mind and a Geertzian thick description of a typical concert in a typical symphony hall, Small demonstrates how musicking forms a ritual through which all the participants explore and celebrate the relationships that constitute their social identity. This engaging and deftly written trip through the concert hall will have readers rethinking every aspect of their musical worlds.

I have no fucking clue what Gregory Bateson thinks about thinking or what a Geertzian thick description is, but what caught my eye was this: "Extending the inquiry." I love authors who are clearly experts, but whose work is framed as an inquiry, or better yet — an extension of a longtime inquiry. Work led by curiosity demonstrates, teaches you how to engage richly with something. 

The definition of the word musicking, which Blogger isn't underlining in red for me (even though it's not liking Geertzian, lmao), is the thing that sold me. And I've been looking for someone who thinks deeply about what it means to participate in music live, both as a performer and as a member of the audience. Musicking forms a ritual through which all the participants explore and celebrate the relationships that constitute their social identity. This hews close to the thesis I have about ceremonies and celebrations and put words to a network of observations I've been circling for two years. This relationship-building ritual has been on my mind this past week especially, as Irish trad music was such a centerpiece of the wedding I just got back from. More on that another time. 

I can't take a book home without reading the first few pages. If I don't like the author's voice, it just doesn't come home — and I didn't need to finish the second page of the prelude to know this was exactly what I'd been looking for. I can't stand experts who struggle to explain the meaning of their work to a lay audience, and one of the testimonials for the book put it well: 

"Christopher Small has something of the guru's gift of saying wise things in the simplest but also most engaging way. The book is instructive and enlightening, interesting to think about, and even to differ with . . . stimulating and rewarding." ~Ross Chambers

It started off with vignettes of people musicking. Full verbs, authoritative word choice, nothing too ornamental. You can read the prelude here. Even Joe seemed to think I picked well — he let out a groan of appreciation when he saw what I'd chosen. "Did you like it?" I asked. "It was... impressive," he said, and shook his head as he rung up the total. (Sidenote: I love it when people respect something so much that their appreciation starts to look like offense. My mom used to do this when she'd watch Nadal and Federer duke it out at the Grand Slams. She'd yell, "Disgusting!" and then lock in for another set.)

The other book was a few shelves down. It's called Keep It Moving: Lessons for the Rest of Your Life by Twyla Tharp, but it actually has an alternate title: 

The title I bought: Keep It Moving 
Alternative title: How to Dance with Time

I noticed the book because of the first title. Being in motion is something I've been exploring separately with two of my friends, Maddy and Sam, over the past month or so.

I've been pursuing motion in two ways. The first is in a literal, immediate, bodily sense. Maddy is a choreographer ("What this means to me is helping people get unstuck,"), and I asked her for help getting me moving in my body earlier this summer; she's going to coach me on movement, on getting unstuck in my body. I'd come to her with a problem: I have this deep and soul-sculpting relationship with music, and yet I can't embody how it makes me feel, I can't let it move through me. So we're going to work on that! 

I also want to keep myself in motion in a greater sense: I've been having this feeling that the wind is picking up for me and for a group of my close friends. I want to ride the wind alongside them, sharpening my understanding of what I'm meant to be doing and advancing the work that makes me feel like more of myself as they do the same. Sam and I were chatting last week, once again, about being in motion, and I told him that I think of him as someone who's always in motion; he said that I create my own motion just by pursuing my curiosities about the world.

From a quick read of the first few pages, Tharp seems to be pointing at something similar, supported by a bunch of other practical habits. She's a lifelong dancer and choreographer and now a teacher and creator of many things. My sister is a big fan of the book she wrote 20 years before publishing this one, The Creative Habit. (I own it, but haven't really started.) This is her book on staying in motion as you age — her lens on it is about extending your prime in life, rather than extending your youth. She was in her 70s when she wrote it. I think this may get me closer to an articulate understanding of what it means to be in motion, but also what it means to design a life of motion that I can stick with through old age. A few bites out of the introduction have me feeling confident that I'll like the rest.

By the bottom of the staircase at Bridge Street Books was a crate of records — a bunch of what seemed to be first editions of the Beatles, Frank Zappa, and a lot of other midcentury rock and pop. No Beach Boys. I wanted the Beatles stuff, mainly because those would have been the same records my grandfather had. Same editions, inner sleeves intact. They were extremely well-priced, even for the condition — and I like that they had been well-loved. I prefer records that have seen a lot of play to ones that are mint. But I only took one home: Tea for the Tillerman, Cat Stevens, $8. Hard Headed Woman is one of my favorite songs about looking for the one.

I wandered upstairs, and as I turned a bookshelf I ran into a guy I'd seen on the street earlier that day. He'd been dressed like... what do you call a guy who wears a straw hat? He looked like someone who'd have been in a barber shop quartet. 

I told him I liked his jacket. We started talking about clothes, and about how old style had a purpose. I asked him a lot of specifics about what he was wearing, and he had a lot of specific answers, which is a dead giveaway that someone has an opinionated way of living, that they move through the world with intention. He named the color of his shirt, which was light, but not bright, and had a little hint of blush: dark ivory. The type of collar — I forget the name, but it was '30s style, still sold today in the UK. He told me the story of the people who made his straw fedora; his grandfather was friends with the grandfather of the man who sold him this hat back in Portland. He let me hold and inspect it, and he explained how it regulates temperature in the space above one's head.

I asked him if I could have his information to interview him about his relationship to clothing, and if I could take his picture. I didn't ask him if I could post it here, so I won't for now, but it was a really lovely outfit. 

I walked to Whole Foods after that, and I just bought some mangoes and milk. I've been really into smelling my fruit at the grocery store recently — smell where the stem attached to the tree, and if it smells nice and strong and sweet, the fruit will be good on the inside. 

On the way home, as I was entering my building, I took a side path, and just as I was looking for my keys, I turned and saw these two pigeons on the cobblestone walkway that I'd avoided: 

the birds

One pigeon was sitting, the other standing near it. I may have been anthropomorphizing, but the standing one looked worried. I used my camera to take a closer look, and it seemed like one was protecting the other, standing guard, keeping it company. Neither bird was frantic; they just seemed exhausted. 

Something about the bird sticking by his friend really got to me. An older lady I've seen in my lobby a lot stopped to take notice as these two girls on their way home from dinner also paused. Suddenly there were four very concerned women standing a respectful distance away from these two birds, trying to figure out whether or not these two friends were in trouble and if there was anyone in the city who could help. 

The older lady, whose name I learned was Cecile, brought me a little takeout container of water. I poured some into the lid and laid it out as a shallow dish for the birds to drink from. They took a couple cautious steps back, and the one who'd been sitting on its folded legs tried to stand up and tipped backwards. It tried to catch itself the way that humans do, flailing their arms when they lose their balance — it flapped its wings in a circular motion. 

Told my mom about it

Wednesday, July 9, 2025

Wednesday media drop, since I was dead on Monday (I have strep throat)

Amy Poehler at her iMac //

I've got a short list for you this weekend, partly because I've been sick and bingeing Smallville. I'll write about last week's wedding in Ireland (that's why I wasn't writing!) in a bit, but for the sake of this post, two big bullet points are that I got an ear infection the day I left for Dublin and I contracted strep throat the day of the wedding. Which is miraculous, because no one else got it. I was able to get clairithromycin the first full day I had in Castlebar, and my theory is that it took the edge off the strep, but didn't target it directly. And thus I was dead on Monday.

Here's a bunch of media from the past week, and I'm setting the location to where I was when I listened to most of this:

Songs I encountered on while waiting for my delayed flight out of the US

Music I listened to while falling asleep in Castlebar due to jet lag 

A nice little album: My Star (Deluxe) - Junior Varsity 

My favorite track is My Star; I don't really care for Do You Really Like Me? (It feels immature.) It feels youthful, vibrant, cheeky, moody, petulant, selfish, and genuine. 

And this one, Riceboy Sleeps - JΓ³nsi, Alex Somers

The song I listened to on repeat when I got sick at the wedding

On day two of the wedding celebration, I slept in until 2:30 PM (the mother of the groom slept in until 4:00), then moved rooms at the hotel and took a long shower. In the shower, I listened to this song on repeat. It was lovely, and I have no idea what it means. 

Vows - Operelly

I wandered outside by myself after getting ready for dinner and observed the plant life in the hotel garden, Vows stuck in my head. The way music shapes the feeling of a moment never fails to impress me.

Ultimate teammate theory (my sister is sick and tired of hearing about this) and why I want to get married

Emma Thomas (Producer) and Christopher Nolan (Director) — they're married — on the set of Dunkirk. 

One thing I know I'm good at is helping my partners furnish and expand their creative worlds.

I've seen a lot of creatively ambitious women do this for creatively ambitious men, but I don't see this going in the other direction as often, and I want to know why. I mean, I can think of counterexample couples where the man supports a woman who's ostensibly way more ambitious with her creativity, but that's not for me. What I want is to eventually marry someone who treats our relationship as an equitable and creative partnership, life as a superset of nested projects, and our village as our community of collaborators. I want them to want to and become good at reaching as deeply into my world as I do into theirs — something I'll explore in greater depth at another time. 

Last week, I was at Molly's wedding — the same friend who texted me the following, the last time I crushed so hard on a creatively ambitious guy that I mentioned it to the groupchat:

She is a wise, wise woman. Reader, he was not :)

Anyway, I use the word marry when I talk about what I want because the romance in it has returned to me recently. We treat marriage like it's the most traditional, constraining, boring thing one can do with their adult life, but I see marriage as one of the highest stakes creative decisions a person can make. It's the assumption of tremendous risk. It's a legal agreement to face Whatever The Fuck Happens with the Teammate of a Lifetime. It's a commitment to facing problems: problems we haven't identified in ourselves or in our partners. I think of this one scene in HIMYM, when Marshall discovers Lily's credit card debt, and he says, "It's ok. When I married you, I married all your problems, too. Even the ones I didn't know about." But in an ideal world, you're facing these problems together. 

This is basically why I think it's just as important to frame marriage as an arrangement that derisks and softens the blows of life as it is a way of exposing yourself to hurt. Marriage is fucking hard. But things get easier with two incomes, your bench deepens, and you don't have to die alone. You have reinforcements.¹ 

It's pretty incredible to see what it looks like when it works out way down the line. On Father's Day I called my dad, and he asked me how he could be praying for me (he always asks). When I asked him the same question, he told me he'd like wisdom on being the best possible support for my mom (she's dealing with a lot). 

His request aligned with a big realization I'd just had about relationships — I told him I'd been using the phrase "ultimate teammate" to describe the person I want to marry. My sister hates this phrase: it's clinical, it's cumbersome, and it's aromantic. I can understand that. But it's descriptive. When people ask me what I want, ultimate teammate (UT) is the phrase I use. The visual that comes to mind is of someone I can trust to be in the driver's seat while I'm holding the map in shotgun (and vice versa). 

I decided in April that one of my goals for the following year is partly designed to prepare to be someone else's UT by developing my resource-management life skills; I want to feel really confident about how I manage time, energy, attention, and money.² When I picture becoming someone's ultimate teammate, I picture trusting that either of us is playable in almost any situation on behalf of our team, and I think of these resource-management skills as some of the tools that make me implicitly “playable.” And I want to be with someone who I can trust to do that right back. 

Ok, so how do I know if someone is fit to be my ultimate teammate, or is "playable in any situation?" I'd at least need to know the answers to the following questions (non-exhaustive), most of which boil down to, "Do we see what each other sees?" and "Do we trust and respect the way each other acts on what they see?"

  • (As per above) Are they as curious about my world as I am theirs? 
    • Does it feel like they want to reach as deeply into my world as I do theirs? Do they want to be a part of it? Are they worried about not belonging there or are they secure in coming along with me as a I grow, change, and explore? 
    • How do they engage with my curiosity about the things that interest me? 
    • Are they curious about my close and trusted friends, or do they judge them? Do they feel they must compete with them, or are they able to facilitate play among all of us? 
  • Do we share a set of operating principles in life? 
    • And are the rest of their operating principles at least compatible with (or, even better, complementary to) mine in any given situation (an intense moment or something as mundane as having people over for dinner or getting a bunch of chores done at home)?
    • Do any of our operating principles conflict in ways that make it difficult to trust, respect, or predict how they'd conduct themselves if I weren't there, or vice versa? 
  • What evidence do I have that we care about and actively prioritize the same things? 
    • It might sound obvious to look for someone who shares the same values as you, but I often find the answers to this kind of question can only be revealed over time and through trial. I have to see someone in varying contexts with varying stakes before I feel like I really know what they're made of — they may say they value friendship and vulnerability, but then act in a way that preserves their self-image when push comes to shove. 
    • One thing I look for when asking this question is how that other person lays aside their own convenience, comfort, and pride to serve others — within their means, and without giving up who they are. I don't want to be with someone who will whittle themselves away for the people they love, but I am looking for people who have a genuine desire to serve the people they love — friends or more — and who are creative in how they do that. 

  • What evidence do I have to trust in and respect the way they dress down a problem, situation, or system³? 

    • The question is whether I trust that this person and I see (notice, look for, identify) similar things in any given system. The less ridiculous way of putting this is probably, "How do they read the room?" Are they leading with compassionate curiosity? Or are they defensively wielding uncharitable judgment? I don't need them to see 100% of what I see or vice versa — in any good creative partnership, you're with someone who challenges and expands your perspective. But I have to be able to trust in and respect the way they break a situation down in their head, or the way they dress down a problem; it determines so much of how they'll approach it.
    • Let's take a moment with high emotional stakes, like when a friend urgently needs support; or behind the scenes at a stressful event, when a friend is overwhelmed: What set of inferences do they make about what matters before acting on them? How do they break the system down into its component parts (people, variables in/beyond control, outcomes), then address the problems they think are workable? 
  • Do we both want to anticipate/discern each other's needs and do what we can to meet them? How do we anticipate each other's needs? Can we do what it takes to learn how to meet them?
    • One of my dad's consistent prayers is for the ability to discern and meet my mom's needs. Not only can he meet her needs, he wants to. 
    • On our own or inspired by our connection/each other, do we get creative about ways to love, support, and care for each other?  Do I have to ask them to do these things? 
      • Do we like each other enough to still do this when we're tired or hungry? 
    • Are we making bad assumptions about the love the other person wants or needs in order to thrive? 
  • Do we make other's worlds richer, brighter, bigger?
  • Can we disagree in a way that makes us better creative partners? 
    • I've only ever been in relationships where I didn't fight or even really argue with my boyfriends about anything real, but I did have a relationship in which I had a lot of proxy arguments about hypotheticals. I'm not sure why. Emma Chamberlain said recently that when couples don't ever argue, the two people really don't know each other, and to some extent I agree; I avoided arguments to avoid giving these guys reasons to reject me. In effect, I hid important parts of me and my perspective from them and from myself. 
    • The important thing about disagreement for me is what the goal is. Are we trying to identify and reconcile and resolve where we actually see things differently, or are we trying to wrestle each other into submission? Are we acting as a team or does only one person get to enjoy security by winning? 
    • I'm only really guessing at what the answers to this question might be because I don't have a lot of experience in friendships or relationships where disagreement was a healthy exercise in strengthening a relationship, but I feel strongly inclined to believe that with the ultimate teammate, I'll feel unafraid to disagree and argue about a shared decision or part of a shared life — if indeed the understanding is that we're gazing outward in the same direction, wanting to anticipate and meet each other's needs, and dressing down a problem in complementary ways. 
  • How do we see each other?
    • Who does he know me to be — and does this version of me make me feel known? Do I feel that I'm loved with my problems intact, or do I feel an instinct to hide parts of myself that I don't like? Does this version of me leave space and assume love for who I'm becoming? And then all of the same questions, but in the opposite direction. 
    • Are we able to stay curious about each other the further along we get? Austin sent these questions in response to the ones Molly sent above:
He is also wise, and this is also a good gut check question
  • Do we want to reach into and toward each other's creative worlds to the same extent? Are we curious about what makes each other curious? 
    • These questions are motivated by my belief that creatively ambitious women should date men who will reach into our worlds as much as we reach into theirs. A more moderate statement is that I want is to be with someone who's as interested in exploring, expanding, furnishing, and even producing my creative universe as I am his. I want to be excited by and trust each other's taste in problems, solutions, influences, and collaborators.
    • I honestly think a whole family of questions concerns how we relate to each other's creative ambitions (the ones that exist outside the relationship as a creative partnership, like my work on weddings), but I'll figure out what those are over time.
  • Are we gazing outward in the same direction? 
    • The answer to this question is also a matter of taste in what we want out of life. With everyone I encounter, I wonder, "What do you want to do with your precious time and energy, your unique talent, your distinct voice?" 
    • And if I'm interested in them, I wonder, "Might the universe of your creative ambition (in life and in work) sit next to mine, and do we like what we see if we imagine them intertwining?"
      An excerpt from this one book that I'm not even going to name because (a) I don't remember what it's called and (b) I looked it up once and thought it was pretty mid, but this part I think is honestly pretty close to what I believe 
  • What (or who) do we both have faith in?
    • Religion specifically 
      • Until recently, I wanted to believe it didn't matter that partners hope and believe in the same things, but I'm coming around to believe it really does matter to share similar spiritual orientation. Like, I think it's really hard for Christians and Buddhists to raise kids together if one partner is constantly thinking about the negation of matter when the other is thinking about the meaning of everything in God's universe. 
      • People's beliefs about the architecture of the universe shape their ambitions and their connections with others. For example, I believe in forgiving people, in the power of grace for everyone, in prayer being important (though I'm not sure I can prove what it does). It would be pretty hard to date someone who doesn't believe in second chances.
      • Do you align on what you shouldn't believe? There's a lot I think contemporary Christians shouldn't give a shit about: abortion, IVF, gender stuff for adults. And as important as faith is, I hold a lot of skepticism about the church as the interface between God and man. I think everyone has to process their relationship with God critically and search for truth themselves. 
    • Outside of religion
      • What else do you believe or hope in? A life of deep interconnectedness with everyone around you? In the power of music. In a universal language... 
      • It just seems like it's generally helpful to hope in the same ways, or for the same things. I think about the fact that both sets of grandparents believed enough in the promises of America that they immigrated with very, very little in the early '70s. A shared hope in a certain kind of future can keep you perseverant. 
  • (NEW) Are we steadfast? Do we bring out solidity in each other?
    • Molly and I have been talking about the importance of solidity and steadfastness. Two slightly different but related qualities. I don't know how to ask questions about this one — it's just something you know is there if it is.
There are definitely more questions like these, but my head hurts, and it feels empty now. Looking at this sprawling list, I feel it's crucial to mention that I don't have any illusions that we'd have to be able to do everything these questions are gesturing at with unfailing consistency until the end of time — life gets crazy, people have ups and downs, love grows cold and warm again in cycles. And there's a lot more to partnership than just these things. What I'm searching for in these questions is probably attainable in the deepest of friendships. But I've learned what happens when I jump into love without asking these questions, and so I figured I'd write them down.


Footnotes

  1. I’ve heard the bleak statistics and have internalized the risks of marriage. I'm talking about what I want here, in ideal terms. I know relationship teamwork doesn't look like two people playing doubles tennis all the time; my dad says most teamwork looks like one person at the grocery store while the other picks the kids up from school — you spend a lot of time taking care of shit separately. Similarly, my work mom says that the effort split on most responsibilities is 80/20, and both spouses have to agree to what goes in whose domain. I'm talking mostly in the abstract here.
  2. A dear friend raised the point that this reads a little like, "Once I do this, I can be ready and deserve a really good relationship!" and wanted to make sure I didn't feel like I couldn't pursue a relationship unless I reach a set of abstract Sisyphean goals related to time, money, energy, and attention. I totally see how it might sound like that, but these skills are really just on the list of ways I know I can grow and competencies and confidences I would be especially happy about bringing to a partnership. If mastery over my attention is a necessary skill to bring to work, why wouldn’t I want to bring it to the most consequential roles of all: someone's shotgun rider, the co-manager of a vibrant community, the co-owner of a functional and vibrant home, a mom, etc.?
  3. What do I mean by system? "In physics, a system is a specific portion of the universe that is isolated for study. It's a collection of objects or components that are considered together, with everything else outside the system being referred to as the environment. The system's behavior is the focus of analysis, and the environment is considered only in terms of its interactions with the system." (Google) I also define a system as a portion of the world isolated for study, with a few key differences. It's a collection of objects, people, their energy, what they choose to say and do, what they choose not to say or do, and anything else that sets the vibe. The historical, cultural, and emotional things that make the system play out the exact way it does can are the context — and unlike in physics, it's rare that you can actually isolate a system from its environment.

Tuesday, July 1, 2025

What I listened to on the way to the airport

she's so me //

I’m going to fly to Ireland tonight! I spent the entire day picking up things for the trip and packing. I didn’t shower, and I think I smell like sweat. But I’m in my Snoopy jersey tee and I’ve got my headphones on and my favorite hoodie draped over my lap. In my carry-on are my favorite sandwich and Caleb’s sweater project, which I’m likely to make progress on during at least the flight back. I’ve got my video camera, my point and shoot, and a pair of sunglasses that I bought at Walgreens. 

In the final hours of packing, I put on my rollerblading playlist. I've discovered the best way to pack is to literally talk to myself out loud and narrate all my decisions live as if I'm explaining to someone else how to pack my bags for me — so that's what I was doing on the floor of my apartment, surrounded by piles of my own shit, from Check the Rhime through Steeeam. Sexy to Someone and Lover's Rock played while I ran to Walgreens in the rain for some NyQuil (Molly's request). The ride to the airport (same playlist) went from Free to 30 for 30.

now read these :)